CBT’s 2013 All Name Power Rankings

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All month long, CBT will be rolling out our 2013-2014 season preview. Check back throughout the day, as we’ll be posting three or four preview items every day.

To browse through the preview posts we’ve already published, click here. For a schedule of our previews for the month, click here.

We’re doing things a little differently this year. Instead of semi-arbitrarily organizing players into artificial five man teams based on the quality and musicality of their names, we’re going to semi-arbitrarily arrange athletes into a power ranking structure, honoring only the top twenty-five player names, with definitive explanations of why each name is so awesome.

First, I’ll tell you what does NOT qualify someone for All Name status. Simply being from another country and having a representative regional name is not enough. Mildly uncommon first names are actually becoming rather standard in the sports world, so your everyday Dundrecous isn’t going to catch my eye. Names that might be funny if pronounced a certain way don’t make the grade on those merits alone, though I did bend that rule a bit.

So who did make the grade, and why? Only one way to find out. Read on, my friend.

1. God’sgift Achiuwa, St. John’s – It’s only fitting that the top spot go to a name that will go down as an all-time great one. God’sgift is the only player I’ve ever seen who’s sporting an apostrophe that signifies possession rather than a quick glottal stop. In addition, his first name is two words smushed into one, and it glides rather naturally into Achiuwa. His given name is impossible to shortcut; you say the whole thing, or you sound blasphemous. This is a Hall of Fame name.

source: AP
McWisdom >>> McLovin?

2. McWisdom Badejo, Florida A&M – Would this name have ranked this high if I hadn’t seen Superbad? Probably not. But the image of Bill Hader in a cop uniform shouting “McWisdom, Why?!?” when Badejo commits a turnover or gorks a dunk attempt will not leave my head. In addition, this puts the A&M Rattler center in the somewhat questionable realm of McMansions and McNuggets, indicative of a mass-produced, pre-packaged imitation of real wisdom.

3. Indiana Faithfull, Wofford – First name is one of the 50 United States, check. Last name meaning loyal, constant and steadfast, check. Didn’t go to Indiana, double check. The capper is that he’s from Australia, so he’s more than likely named after Indiana Jones, and not the state.

4. Four McGlynn, Towson – I firmly believe that Moses Malone gave the McGlynn family the inspiration for the Vermont transfer’s first name when he said “Fo’, fo’, fo” in 1983. Prove me wrong.

5. Dakota Slaughter, Alabama – First name is one (technically, two) of the 50 United States. Last name meaning to kill in a violent or brutal  manner. Almost as good as Indiana Faithfull, but points off for being a bit terrifying. (Note: when I first published this list, I had the wrong page linked, showing Dakota as a walk-on with no photo or info. ‘Bama emailed me with the proper link and politely requested I change it. When Dakota Slaughter corrects you, believe me, you hop to.)

6. Sir’Dominic Pointer, St. John’s – Sir is not being used as a title here, but it sounds like it when you say it out loud. The random apostrophe is a piquant addition. And Pointer gives St. John’s two players in the top ten. Too bad great names don’t win championships all by themselves.

7. Staats Battle, NC State – If the 6-foot-6 guard is truly in a battle to accumulate staats, er, stats, he’s losing. He’s scored 11 points in two seasons as a member of the Wolfpack. He got in trouble last season, and was reportedly kicked off the team, but the school has listed him as a junior on this year’s roster, so he stays.

8. Biggie Minnis, Rhode Island – His real name is DeShon, but Rhody isn’t keen on that fact. They list him as Biggie on the official website. Throw in the fact that he’s a 185 lb. guard instead of a 300 lb. rapper/center and the picture is complete.

9. Hippolyte Tsafack, Memphis – I really don’t have a joke for this one. It’s simply majestic, and I love saying it.

10. Wanaah Bail, UCLA – He did want to bail on Texas Tech after Billy Gillispie kicked off the abusive coaching trend, so he did. A knee injury will cause him to miss some of this season, but we’ll enjoy him as soon as he gets into the rotation for Steve Alford in Westwood.

11. Claybrin McMath, Bryant – Sounds like a character on Adventure Time. His McMath wasn’t too impressive last season, only adding up to 23 points in 26 appearances.

12. Leek Leek, Campbell – The best of a handful of redundant names this season. Brings to mind an escape of fluid from a supposedly sealed container, even though it’s spelled like a double helping of a mild onion-like veggie.

source: Getty Images
Cal Poly really saved on lettering with Drake U’u’s jersey.

13. Drake U’u, Cal Poly – This guy has been a favorite for years. Plenty of people have random apostrophes in their names, plenty of guys have names with too many vowels or not enough. But the combination of all that in one gloriously short surname is worth celebrating.

14. Jordair Jett, St. Louis – It’s tough to live up to a name that combines parts of Michael Jordan, His Airness, and the speedy imagery of a jet. Jordair might not be quite that good, but he does pretty well for himself on a quality team. Bonus points for the dreads and the Lionel Richie moustache.

15. Sanjay Lumpkin, Northwestern – The lovechild of Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon and Lurleen Lumpkin? Simpsons fans can only dream it’s true.

16. Daveon Balls, Northern Illinois – You know why this is funny. Don’t make me be crude. If someone has a photo of the back of his jersey, I’ll love you forever.

17. Basil Smotherman, Purdue – If he doesn’t drink tea, play cricket and bow to the Queen he’ll have some explaining to do.

18. Jaron Blossomgame, Clemson – His last name seems so hopeful. Like he’s growing his game into something beautiful under Brad Brownell’s tutelage. That’s the hope, after he spent his first season in school redshirting due to injury.

19. Grandy Glaze, St. Louis – If you can’t order this as a specialty drink at a Starbucks near Chaifetz Arena, there’s something wrong with this world.

20. Jeremy Bogus, Jacksonville – I hope the Dolphins sell his official jersey in the team store, and crack down on any bogus, er counterfeit replicas.

21. Dallas Ennema, Albany – If ever a city needed a good, therapeutic colon cleansing, it’s Dallas.

22. Ria’n Holland, Wichita State – I thought I’d seen every possible odd place to put an apostrophe. I was wrong. The Shockers always find a way.

23. Armani Cotton, Yale – Armani by itself is a great name, but paired with cotton, it’s just too perfect. Plus, he’s Ivy League.

24. Chad Posthumus, Morehead State – Not spelled quite right, but the impact is undeniable. Let’s recognize him prehumously.

25. Ya Ya Anderson, Radford – Getcha, getcha Ya Ya’s out.

source: AP
Rashad Whack really lives up to his name.

Honorable Mention: Rashad Whack, Mt. St. Mary’s; Chris Manhertz, Canisius; Christian Standhardinger, Hawaii; Yilret Yiljep, American; Alex Biggerstaff, UNC-Asheville; Raven Barber, Mt. St. Mary’s; Canyon Barry, Charleston; Stetson Billings, Arkansas-Little Rock; Gee McGhee, Chattanooga; Onochie Ochie, Southeastern Louisiana; Dusty Hannahs, Texas Tech; Willis Turnipseed, Morgan State

And, not for nothing, two parents of the same generation came up with the same tortured spelling of a fairly common name without, one assumes, conferring first, giving us Xzaivier James of Northern Colorado and Xzaivier Taylor of Bradley. Good show.

In closing, I’d like to pay tribute to the godfather of all run-on basketball names, Dikembe Mutombo. Thanks to comedian @Adam_Newman for specially editing this clip of his performance on Letterman for CBT:

Talented Kentucky begins another year with high expectations

LOUISVILLE, KY - MARCH 21:  The mascot of the Kentucky Wildcats in action against the Cincinnati Bearcats during the third round of the 2015 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament at KFC YUM! Center on March 21, 2015 in Louisville, Kentucky.  (Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images)
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LEXINGTON, Ky. (AP) Kentucky coach John Calipari once again must figure out how to use his latest talented freshman class, which this year is big and fills voids at many positions.

All of which means another season of high expectations at a school where a national championship is always the standard.

After finishing 27-9 and losing in the NCAA Tournament’s round of 32 last spring, Kentucky appears capable of contending for a ninth NCAA title. This despite losing six players including several regulars such as Associated Press All-American guards Tyler Ulis and Jamal Murray, who combined to average 37 points per game last season, and 6-foot-11 Skal Labissiere.

Kentucky landed guards De’Aaron Fox and Malik Monk, both 6-foot-3 high school All-Americans who join sophomore Isaiah Briscoe (9.9 points, 5.3 rebounds per game) in the backcourt. All can handle the ball and shoot, giving Calipari some options, compared with last year’s squad run by Ulis.

“This team will probably have three guys having the ball, and we’ll play off them,” Calipari said. “One may have it more, but the other two are going to have it a significant amount of time. So that makes it different.”

But this recruiting class is all about the bigs with the additions of Edrice “Bam” Adebayo and Sacha Killeya-Jones – a pair of 6’10” All-Americans – and 6’9″ Wenyen Gabriel.

Adebayo has an NBA body and is fierce around the basket on both ends of the floor. Killeya-Jones and Gabriel are long and guard the rim as well.

The Wildcats also return size with 7-footer Isaac Humphries and 6’10” redshirt freshman Tai Wynyard, giving Kentucky its tallest frontcourt since the 38-1 team that reached the Final Four two years ago. Nobody’s making that grand comparison yet as the team works to form chemistry.

“We all want the same dream, so we just try to accomplish it together,” Monk said. “It’s easy to sacrifice if you have great players around you.”

Other things to watch in Kentucky this season:

MATURE BRISCOE: Isaiah Briscoe worked out with NBA teams last spring to gauge his pro prospects before returning for his sophomore season . He’s more seasoned by the experience, and more muscular. The biggest benefits might be his improved shooting – which Kentucky needs from him after an inconsistent freshman season – and his eagerness to lead. “It forced me to grow up,” Briscoe said of the process. “Being one of the few guys to come back (under Calipari), I’ll be able to lead these guys.”

BLUEGRASS GRAYBEARDS: Kentucky has seniors for the second straight season, both of whom could play bigger roles. Forward Derek Willis is working to add defense to his game after averaging career bests of 7.7 points and 4.4 rebounds last season and becoming part of the rotation. Guard Dominique Hawkins just aims to stay healthy after his junior year was limited by injuries. He’s a physical defensive specialist being encouraged to shoot more this season.

COACH’S KID: If things get loud in Rupp near the end of a Kentucky rout, it might be fans clamoring for Calipari to put his son, Brad, on the floor. The 6-foot freshman is a walk-on with an eye toward coaching one day but figures to become a fan favorite for obvious reasons.

RENOVATED RUPP: The Wildcats’ home begins its 40th anniversary season with a new floor and center-hung scoreboard and video screen that has replaced the “Big Bertha” bank of loudspeakers, which resembled an oversized pine cone. The arena has already added high-definition video boards in the corners and other electronic features to enhance the game experience.

KEY GAMES: Kentucky’s always-tough nonconference schedule includes matchups against Michigan State on Nov. 15 in the Champions Classic; a home game against UCLA (Dec. 3); consecutive contests against North Carolina (Dec. 17) and at archrival Louisville (Dec. 21); and a Jan. 28 home game against Kansas in the SEC/Big 12 Challenge.


See what NC State freshman did to Abdul-Malik Abu’s arm

SYRACUSE, NY - FEBRUARY 27:  Abdul-Malik Abu #0 of the North Carolina State Wolfpack drives to the basket as DaJuan Coleman #32 of the Syracuse Orange defends during the first half on February 27, 2016 at The Carrier Dome in Syracuse, New York.  (Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images)
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Rebounding can be a war at times. Even when it involves teammates.

NC State junior forward Abdul-Malik Abu, one of the best rebounders in the nation, showed up to ACC Media Day in Washington, D.C. earlier this week with battle scars from a recent drill with freshman forward Ted Kapita.

“When you’re battling for rebounds, there’s a lot of hand movements,” Abu said, according to Aaron Beard of the Associated Press. “And he has nails, so he’s just kind of like slicing through.”

Abu told reporters he had the first-year forward cut his nails shortly after the incident.

The 6-foot-8 Abu, the ACC’s top returning rebounder, averaged 12.9 points, 8.8 boards and 1.3 rebounds per game as a sophomore last season. Kapita is ranked as four-star recruit by Rivals.

The Wolfpack were picked to finish sixth in the loaded ACC.

Dana Altman: “No idea” if Dillon Brooks will be ready for season opener

ANAHEIM, CA - MARCH 24:  Dillon Brooks #24 of the Oregon Ducks dunks the ball in the first half while taking on the Duke Blue Devils in the 2016 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament West Regional at the Honda Center on March 24, 2016 in Anaheim, California.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
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Oregon enters the 2016-17 season as a projected top-5 team. A lot of those lofty expectations are dependent on the health of Dillon Brooks, an All-American caliber forward heading his junior year.

Brooks had surgery on his foot this offseason and is still not back at practice yet for the Ducks. Jon Rothstein of CBS Sports spoke to Oregon head coach Dana Altman on Thursday. Altman is uncertain if he’ll have his star forward on the floor when the season tips in a few weeks.

“I have no idea,” Altman told FanRag Sports on Thursday when he was asked if Brooks would be ready for the season opener. “He’s out of the boot and he’s doing some non-contact stuff, but we still don’t know. He has another meeting scheduled with the doctor next week and we’ll go from there.”

The Ducks graduated Elgin Cook and Dwayne Benjamin, but retained four starters, including rim protectors Chris Boucher and Jordan Bell, as well as Tyler Dorsey, who was third on the team in scoring as a freshman. They also add another ball handler in Dylan Ennis, who missed all but two games last season with a foot injury of his own.

But with a healthy Brooks, a nightmare matchup at a physical 6-foot-7, Oregon is a legitimate national championship contender.

Oregon begins the season on Nov. 11 against Army. Then after that, a meeting with arguably the best mid-major, Valparaiso, is sandwiched in between a pair of games with two potentially dangerous high-major teams in Baylor and Georgetown. It wouldn’t be surprising if the Pac-12 favorite, minus its star forward, could be slow out of the gates in 2016-17.

Mark Turgeon receives an extension from Maryland

SPOKANE, WA - MARCH 18: Head coach Mark Turgeon of the Maryland Terrapins looks on against the South Dakota State Jackrabbits in the first half during the first round of the 2016 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament at Spokane Veterans Memorial Arena on March 18, 2016 in Spokane, Washington.  (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
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The University of Maryland announced on Thursday that Mark Turgeon’s contract would be extended through the 2022-23 season.

This adds four years to his previous deal. Turgeon is entering his sixth season at Maryland.

“I want to thank President [Wallace] Loh and [Director of Athletics] Kevin Anderson for their continued commitment and support of our program,” Turgeon said in a statement. “I am in this position because of the talented coaches and student-athletes that I have had the opportunity to work with over the past five years. Their commitment to our program is why Maryland Basketball continues to have an exciting and bright future.”

Once on the hot seat, Turgeon has gotten the Terrapins to back-to-back NCAA Tournaments, the latter resulting in a spot in the Sweet 16. It was the first time in a decade he had reached the second weekend of the NCAA Tournament, previously leading Wichita State to the Sweet 16 in 2006.

Maryland, a preseason top-25 team, lost four starters — Robert Carter Jr., Jake Layman, Diamond Stone and Rasheed Suliamon — from a season ago. But the Terps do retain Melo Trimble, one of the top lead guards in the nation, for his junior year.  Trimble will be surrounded by Damonte Dodd, Dion Wiley, Jaren Nickens, Duquesne grad transfer L.G. Gill and a quartet of four-star freshmen.

NBC Sports projected Maryland to finish sixth in the Big 10 this season.

RIP Vine: The best college basketball vines
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Today, Twitter announced that they are sending Vine – the six-second, looping videos that made so many people famous and so many things viral – into hospice care.

The social media service that helped usher in an era of Instagram videos, SnapChat and FaceBook live will not be a thing for much longer.

And that’s a shame.

Because there really was nothing better than a well-executed vine.

In remembrance, we are offering up the most memorable college basketball vines for your viewing pleasure (if we’ve missed any, leave a link in the comments or share it with us @CBTonNBC):

Kris Jenkins winning a title

Tony Parker kicking game at Allie LaForce

A quadruple ball-screen

Marshall Henderson is confused

That time Derrick Marks’ legs didn’t work like they used to before


The Wall of Distraction getting it done

Bill Self breaking his own watch

Dyshawn Pierre getting pantsed

How is this possible?

You may never see a better dunk than this

Tom Crean doing Tom Crean things

Thad Matta being thrilled to see Tom Crean

Speaking of Coach Matta, what’s he been on, Amir?

Sterling Brown knew this shot was good

I still have no idea what Stephen Zimmerman is doing here

He mad

That time Jamal Murray murdered his teammate

That time Willie Cauley-Stein murdered a defender

That other time Willie Cauley-Stein murdered a defender

Georges Niang blowing a kiss to the Iowa student section

And not everyone likes him for it

That time Jarmal Reid tripped a ref

A world class flop from Armani Moore


Motor-Boatright Me

Florida walk-on Jacob Kurtz tipping in a buzzer-beater for … Florida State?