Compiled by Eric Angevine and Troy Machir
If pitchers and catchers reporting is a rite of spring, the college hoops All-Name Team is the definitive rite of autumn. For years, Troy and I toiled separately, each producing our own All-Name lists in our own styles; him for Ballin’ is a Habit, me for Storming the Floor. Now, like chocolate and peanut butter, like NBA and ABA, like Franklin & Bash, we’re finally united, working in tandem to make your life just that much better.
Seriously, pull out your cellphone and snap an arms-length picture of yourself. You’re going to want to remember where you were when this happened. You’ll want to tell your grandkids - Dundrecous, Maverick and little Bol Bol - about this day.
Without further ado, we’d like to present the unified CollegeBasketballTalk All-Name Team. Because if you can’t trust guys named Machir and Angevine to sniff out goofy names, who can you trust?
First Team All-Name*God’sgift Achiuwa (pictured), St. John’s – Quite simply, manna from heaven for scribes like us.
*Indiana Faithfull, Wofford – Seriously, Tom Crean? You couldn’t find a scholly for this kid?
*Danrad “Chicken” Knowles, Houston – Phi Slama Jamma. Dream. The Glide. Chicken.
Claybrin McMath, Bryant – Small-college forward, or character on Adventure Time?
Staats Battle, N.C. State – Definition of irony: 1.8 mpg, 1.0 ppg, 0.5 rpg, 0.2 apg, .28% FG.
*Consensus pick
Second Team All-Name
Sanjay Lumpkin, Northwestern – The love child of Sanjay Nahasapeemapetilon and Lurleen Lumpkin? Stranger things have happened.
Dusty Hannahs, Texas Tech – “Dude, did you see the Dusty Hannahs on Austin City Limits last night?” “Nah, man. I was watching college basketball.”
Mo Ali-Cox, VCU – Mo Ali-Cox, Mo Ali-Problems.
Raven Barber, Mt. St. Mary’s – Wearing a smock, sweeping up hair? That’s so Raven.
Kannon Burrage – UT-San Antonio – We’re pronouncing it like “barrage”. We don’t care if it’s wrong.
Third Team All-Name
Marcellus Barksdale, IUPUI – Shades of Pulp Fiction and The Wire. What’s his middle name, Heisenberg?
Deverin Muff, Eastern Kentucky – Don’t laugh. He’s probably up to his neck in a fashion accessory for outdoors usually made of a cylinder of fur or fabric with both ends open for keeping the hands warm.
Blondy Baruti, Tulsa – Mr. Baruti shaves his head, but we feel reasonably certain he’s a brunette.
Hooper Vint, UTEP - A whole range of career options are available for Mr. Vint if basketball doesn’t pan out. For instance: he’d make an excellent county sherriff. Also, Hooper Vint: Private Eye is a show we’d all watch.
Simeon Esprit, Penn – A captivating new fragrance by Jean-Ralphio.
Honorable Mention: Ice Asortse, Stephen F. Austin; Quevyn Winters, Duquesne; Scooter Gillette, Niagara; Jordair Jett, St. Louis; Stanton Kidd, North Carolina Central
Also receiving votes: Cal Poly’s Drake U’u, a perennial all-namer who lost some of his former shine this year. Younger brother Parker U’u is diluting the brand as a freshman at Hartford this season.
Team of the Year: The Cal Santa Barbara Gauchos – Dalante Dunklin, Keegan Hornbuckle, Prince Arceneaux, Holt Dunlap, Duke DaRe, Drew Dickey, we salute you.
Special Teams: The second half of our All-Name Team, featuring the All-Gender Confusion team and more, can be found here.
Eric Angevine is the editor of Storming the Floor and tweets @stfhoops. Troy Machir is Managing Editor of Ballin’ is a Habit and tweets @TroyMachir